I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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