you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
