theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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