no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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