Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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