i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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