and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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