I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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