The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
