Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
