My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
not ubering you a puppy
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
