the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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