this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
