I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
