Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
