And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
