He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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