Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Buhtt sex?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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