If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
