youre lurking in front of me
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
