Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
