Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
