today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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