im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
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I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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