Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
