I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
