god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
