So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
