if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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