he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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