So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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