In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
