why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
