My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
my poor anus
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
