I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
