I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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