im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
