im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
