Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
