come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
