Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
