I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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