Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
