She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
