Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
