After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
