im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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