I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
