I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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