just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
