Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
