Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Are my feet made of real feet?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
