So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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