my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
im on a boat
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