i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
